every night, and sometimes, during the day...

My tears have come every night, and sometimes during the day.  At night, the pain seems to want to take me, to swallow me whole.  It is its' own entity, a living, breathing, heaving mass that awaits my quiet, that vulnerable, quiet place that exists when you put your head to the pillow.  It comes then, like a wave, like the sun rising, and covers all my skin, seeps into every pore and holds me, tight.  It nuzzles up against my neck, spoons me from behind and wraps it's self around myself.  It wrings out my tears, lovingly, with God's grace and permission, it heals me.  It allows me to feel the profoundness of loss, the depth of confusion, the authority of it's presence.   For it is only through my capacity and willingness to experience such pain that I can experience it's equal in love.  It's equal in love.  It is the willingness to FEEL.  The willingness to FEEL.  The willingness to let life live through you, let her in, let her breathe, let her expand your very soul.  It is then that the joy of living is not contingent upon the smile, rather, it is just the joy of living.  It is the opportunity of life, of the gift of the moment, no matter its' promise.  It is the grace of being here, right here, in my life, in my body, in my experience of the physicalness of my Spirit.